February 2012
4 posts
America, Me Plus You. Let's Do This.
Perth to Melbourne was a quick flight. I swore I would stay awake because I wanted to sleep for the REAL part of my journey home: Melbourne to LAX.
I was wrong. Dead wrong.
I slept the entire Perth to Melbourne journey. When I woke up, they were clearing the food trays and I asked miss thing to bring me some pretzels.
Then, I arrived in Melbourne for a 4 hour wait to load a Spruce Goose...
I Put the "R" in Rancho Relaxo
*Today I woke up and said “NO!” to brushing my teeth. That’s Rancho Relaxo style.
Friday, 4:26 PM
Enjoying the last few days in Australia.
There’s a movie showing on channel 73 here called “Carry on Loving” - an old 70s british comedy. I hit ‘info’ on the controller and this is what comes up: “A feuding couple creates a dating agency and find that they are inundated...
Yes. An Emphatic Yes. Shells should always be...
My hair is not the star of this picture (or any time until Heather C. fixes it) The real star is the shell thing hanging from the ceiling. This is a STANDARD for any Filipino household. If you don’t have one or at least HAD one, then GTFO and give us back your Filipino ID and stop supporting PACMAN.
But the standard shell decor will say, “No. The REAL star is the Christmas tinsel...
Feet, Don't Fail Me Now
In this scene, our heroine is sitting on a couch watching Waiting to Exhale for the millionth time, enjoying Angela Basset’s, ‘Get yo shit! Get yo SHIT…. and get out!” all while leaning into her chicken Kebab saying, “Do it, Thats it, Angie. Tell him!”
Then, suddenly:
Entering stage left is Gay Uncle Nic complete in a sweaty business suit.
Gay. What is gay?...
January 2012
3 posts
Boom.
There was a time when I sang, “Don’t they know, it’s the end of the world? It ended when you said goodbye…” in the shower nearly every day.
I would cry. I would ask questions no one should ask or know the answer to.
Three weeks ago, the cheesiest / best, most cliched song ever crept into my head. I never even sang this song for Karaoke. Suddenly, I was in the...
What I Whore Today
I have packed all of my items and live solely out of a knapsack of necessary articles of clothing. What a joke. “clothing” that I can’t leave the house in. I am thisclose to bobby pinning two dishrags together and calling it Saturday Lingerie.
This means I am either wearing running gear or a sheer, multi-colored dress from thailand. I use “dress” loosely. It’s...
Acute Case of Terrible
So there I was, sitting in Jean’s living room, telling her about the time I had to give myself an emergency enema while in Thailand due to the lack of movement in my bowels. She likes this sort of openness, after all, she had just showed me the X-Ray of the newly found lesion on her lung that is most probably cancerous.
Shit.
I don’t quite know what to say or where to...
December 2011
10 posts
Voracity of my Tenacity
Oh, didn’t you know?
i am a gold digger
because
I wanted to lose two amazing jobs,
empty my bank account,
leave my mom with payments on my new car,
fly to another country,
only to have my marriage belittled, minimized, and called ‘uncouth’,
told the marriage was over via text message once I had flown 13+ hours to get here,
have the USA Visa I worked so hard for him,...
NY Resolution: I Enjoy Being a Girl.
Through my own admission, and often regrettably said with great pride, I am a lousy dresser. Lousy. My brother’s old Miller’s Outpost shirts, my old man pants, my moo moo dresses… christ have mercy (christ have mercy) lord have mercy (lord have mercy)….
I’m pretty sure that I always said/thought that those who gave too much attention to fashion, style, clothes, and...
Killa What? Kilojoules.
I’m twisted up over kilojoules.
The nutrition labels here are written with “Energy” instead of “Calories”. We gotta get on this. It’s less scary to think, “I need energy today”. When most people sit at tables going, “OMG How many calories is that chocolate motherload mint n chip cake of Gods!” We can or should now say, “Thank God...
I Dreamed of Asada
It has often been said that no one really knows about what goes on behind closed doors; that no one really knows what happens between a couple, in someone’s home. This is as true as the day is long.
Per the advice given to me by various members of the blogosphere and of course to protect the sanctity of marriage (that last bit was a joke) I have chosen not to divulge details of daily...
--::ATARI::--
Sherwin had the nintendo down the street and during the summer my brother would go to his house. He tried to dissuade my tagging along but it’s how I do. I had to go play the nintendo. For this nintendo came with duck hunt, slightly more tantalizing to me than super mario brothers as I almost never got beyond the water level.
Word had spread quickly on this machine, the nintendo, and of...
Breakfast at Syphilitic Tiffany's
She doesn’t ever find Cat. She doesn’t end up with the writer. She was full of STDs and possibly a baby. She was a racist whore (but I’m not hating). This was the real Holiday Golightly from Truman Capote’s short story, Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Amazing how Audrey Hepburn was able to make her seem so… classy and full of life.
Negatory. She was like Snooki but with a...
Deck the halls with boughs of HORRY, FA RA RA RA...
It’s that time of year again. For you, suckas. Not me. I’m offish off ‘christmas’ this year. So while you guys scramble into this store and that market and stress over buying the perfect presents… I will be at midnight mass getting points with the big JC…and not wrapping shit for anyone.
Of course I’ll miss the fam but also, I must admit, putting on a...
True Grit.
I have it. I know it now. I got it from my mama. I got it from my mama.
The lawyer sat with me yesterday and said, “Do you even know what you’re doing?”
I said, “Yeah. Talking to you.”
He says, “You are an American citizen, in another country, on a holiday visa, running a case in the Australian law court all by yourself. ALL BY YOURSELF! You are...
Waiting for a Breeze
By the end of this blog, I shall be drunk.
It is an ungodly Christmas season as the temperatures near 100 degrees on a regular basis and the Perth “Doctor” only calls once a day or so. The Doctor I speak of is a cool breeze that sweeps in every afternoon to give us all a cool down. Doesn’t quite do the trick.
have decided that the very best thing for me today was to lie...
2Legit. 2Legit2Quit.
It was a summer not too long ago when I was in between love affairs, jobs, and educational systems. Funny, back then I felt that the transitional phase from Community College to the commuter State College not 30-minutes away was a major life hurdle. On top of this ‘stress’ I was transferring my items from one bedroom in my mother’s house to another bedroom. You can imagine how...
November 2011
11 posts
The Only Mounting Going on Here is the Tension
First and foremost, it ain’t easy being cheesy.
Irishman and myself, we texted back and forth all day on Sunday. He called me a couple of times and it was so goddamned difficult to understand him that I requested we go back to texting. I know it sounds unbelievable but it’s true: he might as well be speaking Japanese with rocks in his mouth, that’s how difficult it is to...
Well, Well, Well. What Have We Here?
And so it goes that my estranged future ex husband carries on with his new life, new girl, new level of douchebaggery, the likes of which have never been seen, only heard of in urban legends, “Did you hear about the guy who married a yankee who did A B C D to her and had the nerve to E F G?” Yes. It really did happen and it really did happen to me.
Moving on.
As I wait this court...
Layla. You Got me on my knees.
There is a guy sitting next to me right now who is the spit-image of Eric Clapton and he is crazy smoking rad. But he’s like 40. The thing is, if I wanted to, I could date a 40-year old. Believe it or not, I am a (soon to be) 32-year old divrocee. This means that if I wanted to pack a bag and fly to paris with a Swedish banker and hang out in an opium den, no-one could say shit about it....
The Moustache: Best Ride in Town or Destructive...
In 2003, some nice men from Adelaide, Australia started Movember.org. Remember, they abbreviate everything here. Mo is short for Moustache. Hell yeah. The other thing they do a lot of here— raising big time money for charities. Since Australia is so rich, they bring in crazy amounts of money for charity all the time. One of the funniest things is when they get these kids out in the city with...
iPhone Images
I’m watching Mad Men right now. I love this show. Mostly, I love how it was a time when men were men. Adults were adults. There was a clear line. Today, a thirty-two year old man will take copies of his text messages with a woman and then share them with people. Who does that shit? Really? I know technology is fast but the idea that this person would actually take private conversations and...
I Ain't Got No Panties on On the Dance Flo'.
I’m officially 67 years old and I completely blame myself because I started the trend of eating dinner at 4PM and sleeping by 830PM when I was 17 and it has been a wild ride ever since.
Today cemented my place on the Denny’s Early Bird Special Hall of Fame list. I got up, dyed my hair a bronze tint but it turned out BLUE, dressed, and met my pal Jean to go to the Clairemont Craft...
How to Bead the Odds
I was going to wait until the death of my fourth husband (who will undoubtedly be Jamaican and who will have taught me the art of corn rows with beads while I read to him The Shawshank Redemption AGAIN in our above ground pool) before I endeavored to create my own earrings with fine bead work of my own. Instead, I did it yesterday. Made my own earrings with fine beadwork. I cannot wait to show...
"Them Slaves are Learnin' to Read!" -Worried...
I’m reading a book. This has nothing to do with anything since I read books from time to time. Nothing has struck more of a chord within me like the line that I just read.
“Stop wasting time and your life just so that you have an amusing anecdote.”
It’s all very to-close-to-home, don’t you think? Anyhow, I’m using a computer which once belonged to me and now...
The Update I Never Saw Coming
It’s all out of my system. And I am happy to see it go. I’m indifferent to it all, apathetic, even. I never thought I could be here but finally, I am. Finally. I knew I’d get here, but for some strange reason, I thought the devastation would leave me in ruins for months, even a full year.
I don’t care about “revenge”, karma, payback. I just don’t care....
F these F'ng Fs.
When the weather heats up in Australia, the flies begin their annual party. This party is them, by the gabillions, swarming about your face, picking out spots on your shoulders, and enjoying the warm weather on your skin. Most aussies tell me “get used to it” sorry. I won’t EVER get used to flies resting their weary little maggot-driven bodies on my FACE. nope.
I carry bug spray...
October 2011
5 posts
Taxi Cab Confessions
13 13 30. That is the telephone number of Swan Taxis in Perth. If there is one number you should memorize upon touch down here in Perth, that’s the one.
Universal rule: Cabbies anywhere are from somewhere else. Unless they have never left and are so local it kills you to hear them go into ridiculous details of the history of the city (which is not actually that bad— free...
One would think
one would think that i would be bitter and rightfully so. one would think this. one would be wrong. deader than wrong.
as it just so happens, this afternoon i sat in the back reading “Bad Marie” a really good light hearted comic take on child abduction (the kid goes to paris and puerta vallarta, dont tell me she was sufferin’) and I paused for a moment to inspect my skin and...
instructions
Obviously, a dream gig would be to have no gig and write novels and watch checks show up in my bank account. Until that day, the dream would be this:
Re-writing instructions for all products. Because, sometimes they are dumb. eg. “unwrap pizza from plastic” and “cook until cheeze all melted”
I would also write: “Unless you like burning the shit out of your mouth,...
Someone Call Ripley's Believe it or Not. I SAID...
If I were to wake one morning, take a shower, dry myself in front of the mirror, only to be horrified at the thick, carpet of hair covering the entirety of my back, I would be shocked. Obviously.
If I were to walk down the street only to see a billboard reading, “We buy all thick carpets of back hair for a freakishly huge price” I would say, “This was meant to be.”
I do...
London Calling
I like to think that I am Dr. Ugazi, Prof. of Anthropological Studies at the prestigious Palomar University, located a stone’s throw from Penny Lane Pub in San Marcos, California.
Dr. Ugazi* had been a wealth of information in regards to people watching and, among other topics, death. “Gavestones, grave sights… all stupid” is what he once said. He also said that watching...
September 2011
11 posts
Please Stop CC'ing me on messages that don't...
The existential framework I have recently built up like an empire in the sun is completely made from eyeballs. I mean to say that lately I have been doing some really deep thinking on God and life and other important things that float through my mind. That is the extent of my deep thinking: Eyeballs. Windows to the soul.
Therefore, it is not unreasonable to say that I can no longer go to the...
Notes on a South African Windshield
If there were a windshield placed over the bed of the south african man and his latest concubine, I would place this note right on top of their naked asses. I would quitely creep into their bedroom and lift the wiper and place this little note under it and walk away, never uttering a word.
Sadly, there is no windshield on them and so I had to leave them a note on their front door early this...
The Jane Austen Fight Club
There is a pub called the Flying Scottsman. It is a typical pub but the clientele are mainly tradies. Tradies are blue collar tradesmen. Miners, construction workers, you know the sort.
Well, one day I went for a walk to the local grocers to purchase some fruit and vegetables for my consumption. (One mustn’t die of starvation).
The grocery store is located at a slight angle facing the...
Come Look at How Pretty I iz, You Guyz.
Grooming days. You know, you take a little extra time in the bathroom doing etc & misc? Speaking of which, last week, I had to laugh. I walked over to the restroom to shower just as soon as Greg left to go to his GFs house. He must have remembered something because no sooner had I turned the bathroom light on and screamed, “Oh! Yuck! EEEWWW!” that I heard the front door swing open...
Jeggings: A Story of Survival
Jeggings. “Sometimes, with a nice tunic top and cute booties….” NO. NO. NO. NO.
Make no mistake, I have not done this. I wear either black LEGGINGS or JEANS. Never the combination. However, when walking in the city recently I saw a shop window with a massive sign: “HUGE JEGGINGS SALE!!!”
I mean, upon first glance, my instinct within my instinctual self said,...
Meet the Quokkas
Finally, some good news from Australia. I finally went to Rottnest Island, or Rotto, as the locals call it. (Remember, they abbrev. everything here.)
Took a boat to the island with other day trippers although you can certainly rent out a cabin for the price of your first daughter with red hair. yeah. that’s how hard it is in peak season apparently to get a cabin. But it is SO nice you...
Lists are for Chores
Look, obviously everyone has a certain thing they are looking for in a mate. A few things they look for, things they don’t care for. And, yes, when a girl is in her teens, perhaps she wrote it on her Lisa Frank notepad and tucked under her pillow and wished for the fulfillment of said list. (Not it).
And yes, I have made a list. Matter of fact I have listed it on my blog. But I always...
Age Before Beauty
Wednesday. 737 am.
Mild temps, earliest signs of spring here in Perth. residue of winter here in Perth.
Husband 1 is off to work. Before he left, he kept touching the top of his head whilst I drank my instant coffee. “Have you seen my ipod?” he says.
I shake my head.
He touches his shirt pocket, then the pockets in his coat. “Sure?” he asks. Then he finds his ipod in...
Fiction. Pure Fiction. Allegedly.
The following is a piece of fiction if you are any kind of Australian Family Law magistrate.
Friday night was zoom, speed dating night. I was enlisted against my will, allegedly, to be a certified wingman for Caussie. As a matter of fact, I thought it was a meet and greet for those recovering from failed marriages. I did not know it was speed dating. I didn’t even pay because I had no...
"Have you been drinking?"
Pssh. You should ask, “have you not been drinking.” That’s pretty much how I feel right now.
I went to the mall and purchased some goods that both my body and vagina needs. Toilettries if you please. Then, I came home.
When I arrived, I no sooner had my granny panties around my ankles bound to the toilet itself when I hear a light rapping on my window pane....
August 2011
24 posts
Wednesday of the Malcontent
He and I do not speak these days. Although, we have our routine. And the animal that once was our relationship is a heap of fur that we politely step over or around as it is simply there, in the middle of the floor, a pathetic mound of things we collected and crammed into a year or so stuffed into an invisible thing that we just ignore.
I threw our wedding picture at him, he ducked, it sliced...
Return of Mickey Blue Eyes
Ray Liotta’s twin, in his pin stiped suit, just walked into this coffee shop. different coffee shop as the one before but now i imagine that you get the point when I say Perth has the small town vibe. Especially when a mobster business man in waste management walks into a coffee shop and looks at me like “oh, there you are.”
Ugh is it wrong that the attention is not all that...
Tylenol PM
They don’t have them here. As most folks know, Tylenol PM is my pleasure. It is my only vice. That and shit talking. But mostly, Tylenol PM is my drug de jour. I don’t smoke. Anything. And I don’t drink wildly (a corona on an empty stomach is enough to make me act a fool). But I enjoy Tylenol PM. Here in OZ, they have a thing called panadol. panadol is a name brand tablet (they...
I just spent $3.90 on a Pepsi. A fuckn PEPSI.
And I’m not even at a greek restaurant. Pepsi. Shiiiet.
It is Wednesday. The days are numbered. 21st of September is the day. That is all I will say. Until then… you know we’ve got to pray. we’ve got to pray just to make it today.
Speaking of MCHAMMER— I have a pair of pants that go right up over my belly and are big and bouncy and I look rad in them when I wear my...
I Hate Undiscovered Models
My jaw is sore which means only one thing: I am stressed out and grinded / clenched my teeth in my sleep last night. God, I hate when I do that. It really is painful the next day. I can only imagine that the real reason I did was because of the dreams I had. I am a believer in dreams. Now, I’m not psychic, but I do believe I have amazingly accurate dreams. (Side note: last night the husband...
Day of the Dead
Is that today? I was going to put a pic of sugar skulls up but the only thing that the piece of shit BING had to offer was latina hot mamas with fat asses. I’m serious.
Its all about Google (F your iPhone— get a droid).
Oh, I don’t even care anymore. I just want to go to the beach and get a tan.